The unexpected knock at the door

12.11.2017
Morning 7am-ish

Generally on a sunday morning I never wake up before 7am. Having a morning shift office, Saturday and Sunday morning sleep is my "cup of coffee" to have a energyfull week start. Well but that Sunday was bit diferent.

On 26th and 27th October 2017 I had my 2nd IUI procedure. Doctor did ask me to have a home pregnancy test on 12th November. Generally these weeks long wait are exhausting. And finally doing one failed pregnancy test is again heartbreaking. My first IUI was a failure. I did it on 18th Aug 2017. And my period in that month came early, so does the disappointment. One who is struggling through infertility will understand how much late periods mean to them!

After August I took a break. Break from everything chaotic that was happening in my life then. My father inlaw expired in the same month. We finished his last rituals. And i thought, it will be a good break for me and for my husband as from last few months we both were fighting father inlws's illness and our infertility. I stopped medicines whatever i was taking for my "egg growth". Even though medicines never ask one to do workouts , but thoughts of taking it in a particular time, make you exhausted. Then comes the best part; to have "relation", during the peak of your ovulation time! And trust me, those "target oriented" sexes can never give anyone pleasure!

Well, i wanted rest from all the above!

September went peacefully. And then from October i started nagging my husband again to opt for another IUI in that month. I told him, this will be the last try for this year. We will try next year directly if nothing happens this time. I talked to my doctor and she scheduled my appointment for IUI on 26th and 27th October. Before that as procedure i went through some niddles to maintain my egg growth.

IUI is not very painful but yes not comforting as well. First and foremost, i hate to remove my cloths and wear nothing but that hospital gown! It can make anyone feel sick.
IUI is a procedure where doctor collects the semen of husband and process it. Actually centrifuge it to extract only the "real sperm" part. And then with the help of a catheter, that material would be inserted inside the wife's uterus. Trust me that pinching feel of catheter  while it enters the uterus, is not good. But then, when you are fighting infertility for years, this pain feels nothing!

When I did my first IUI, my hopes of positive pregnancy was in its peak! I used to calculate the supposedly due date also for the baby! But it was a failure.

I did the second IUI but I was not expecting anything from it. May be because I was scared to hope.. may be because I have had enough sight of failed pregnancy test kits! May be because I was not ready for another failed test. However after my sevond IUI, my waiting days went rather too quickly. I was tremendously busy in office. Attended few events, had a special trip to parlour to highlight my hairs for the first time and many more. But I kept in mind when my doctor asked me to have a home pregnancy test.

I very clearly remember, day before my test, we, the husband and wife, fought! Over some silly nonsense as usual. I was not talking to him for whole day and evening at around 8pm I remembered that I didnot have any kit at home. I asked husband to bring one immediately, breaking my day long silence!

On 12th I woke up normally.. no butterflies were in my stomach. I opened the kit and casually took the test and kept the kit inside washroom without checking any result. Normally I would have preferred to stand in the washroom staring at the kit waiting impatiently! But as I told, that day was different.

I came back and slept again and also had a plan to continue my cold war with my husband!

I woke up again after few minutes. Reluctant to leave the bed I checked some online breakfast options. And then I marched towards the washroom. Even though I was hopeless but still I was hoping for a silver lining as well..

and then... hei wait a minute! What are these two pink lines mean anyway!? I checked the cover of the kit again confirming my years long understanding of home pregnancy test procedure! YES!! 2 pink lines means - POSITIVE!

Damn! Am i finally PREGNANT?!

I looked towards my husband. Sleeping as usual. I sat near him on the bed and checked the kit again. I pushed him.. "hei shona.. u have to see this!" Trust me there were no tears rolling down my cheeks as I was imagining all these past years.. my heart was beating fast. I guess I was feeling like peeing again.
He opened his half shut eyes and looked towards me.. I showed him the kit. And his eyes were wide open! "true?!" he asked.
"I don't know!" I was not sure for real!
He went back bed again and did an announcement, "have to save money from now on!!"
As my husband was back to sleepy mode again, I rushed to the nearest medical store to buy few more "accurate" kits. Ended up buying 5 different companies'. Did the tests again. By the meantime my husband was awake and he immediately took an appointment for blood test.. While I was standing and checking those kits, it was not even a minute, within seconds all the five kits had two dark pink lines! Thise were so strong!

My days were never the same since that day.. And today exactly after one year, i have a happy, chirpy, peeing-poopy 4 months old baby boy in my arms !

Cannot be more blessed than this!

Aaahhh Motherhood; you beauty!

Alice In Wonderland (I)

As a kid, many of us have encountered this question, "What will you be when you will grow up?" for me it was kind of 'common question'. I started attending this question, may be, long before i joined school.

This question never bothered me as my answer was ready, 'Doctor'! My father asked me to reply like this.

He really wanted me to become a Doctor. As it was his dream to become one, but couldn't because of so many things came as burden in between him and this profession, called 'Doctor'.
So naturally he passed the dream to me.
I grabbed it and started answering, "Yes i wanted to be a doctor!"

But if you ask what exactly my dreams were then you may think, "Really she is an Alice in her wonderland!"
As a kid i used to have so many dreams.
I was a bollywood freak! I am in love with Aamir Khan from the age of five i think. After watching "Qayamat se Qayamat tak", i almost started acting like a 'Heroin'. After that, movies like "Sajan" and "Dil" worked as 'Ghee' in that 'Aag'. I remember that song from the movie 'Dil', 'o piya piya, kyu bhula dia', that song used to be the most tragic song for me. At that time i used to study in KG or Nursery i think and my brother was a new born. In front of my school there used to be a small Pan Shop. That panwala everyday used to play this song while i returned from the school to home. That song used to remind me of my small baby brother. I used to feel some kind of pain in my tiny heart remembering my bro!
Although this song has nothing to do with brother-sister relationship, but then also i used to miss my brother.
I used to sing, act, cry like an actress. With passing of time i was in love with almost all 'Heros' of Bollywood(Except Jacky Shroff! I don't know why but i used to hate him! Total yucks for me! I hate boys with mustaches. But i was in love with Anil Kapoor although he has mustaches. But a total NO for Jackey!)

So, in my dream world, i was almost a 'Heroin'. I wanted to become an actress.

When i was in class 1 or 2, i got admitted to a nearby music school. I inherited a comparetively OK voice from my father. My father still sings beautifully all the old songs of Bhupen Hazarika.
I loved my music school uptill i didn't have any exam related to it. But sad thing was, music schools too had exams and that too with long, extremely long theories! Ewwwww. I hate music school!

But i love to sing. I learnt music till 10th standard(not for long 10yrs! Including breaks it must be maximum 5yrs.)
In those musical yrs, i dreamt of becoming a singer.

Along with the music school, my teacher used to run one dance school also. In the absence of my music teacher i used to tie those 'Ghungru's and tried to dance a bit with dance students. But sadly enough, i have two left feet! Till now, I just can wish that i could dance! I'm a 'lay-man' in dancing.
I didn't learn dance. Even today also i feel if i would have learnt dancing i could have been a famous dancer (but i heard like music schools dancing schools also has exams and i hate routine more over! ;) ).
This was also one of my dreams.

And i inherited one more thing from my father. I used to get good marks in drwaing subject. I didn't learn drawing, i just used to follow my father's tips. My teachers and few well wishers used to praise me,"Wow! that's a nice piece dear!" and my mind used to fly somewhere with a dream that someday i will be a famous painter!

And how can i forget that once i wanted to become a writer also! And the list goen longer nad longer....
All my "Dreams" used to chase me everywhere. I lived them secretly. In my wonderland.

I was growing up, with all these dreams in my wonderland and one constant dream in real life. "I will become a Doctor". I sweared to myself because i wanted to see my father happy. He is a nice person, he deosn't deserve to be sad because of me! I tried and tried and tried.. And ended up this "Trying journey", becoming an Engineer. I realy don't know and have never asked my father that does he realy proud of me? I think he will reply positively. Because he loves me. And i love him too.

People says, one should follow their dreams, should do that only for what they feel the passion. I had lots of dreams. I never followed them (but they did :-) ), beause of the fact that they were not "realistic" enough to be followed. Those all are best in some one's wonderland. I was preparing myself to face the real world. The real tough world where every day we have to fight one battle sometimes witness one. For that i was well prepared and well equipped! I never told my dreams (may be all were meaningless!) to anyone (Nobody have asked me till now and i may get confused if today they asks!). I lived other's dreams and tried to stand as winner. Sometimes i won and many a times i was a loser.

Today, i'm nowhere. I tried something else and ended up doing something else. In the process of becoming "All-rounder", i realy have become all round, which you can say is equivalent to a sphere or somewhat like a zero! No no, don't think am a passimist. Sometimes i do but not always.

Somebody adviced me that day, "Don't nag all the time! Your life is what you wanted it to be. And more over you don't have any passion! Routine life makes you bore and blah blah blah.. "

I realy wondered at that momnet. Is it true i don't have passion for anything?

I thought and i realised that in this world, if i can do something passionately, then it will be nothing except Love. I can love passionately with all my heart and soul.

If my father got to know this then he may feel sad, because he couldn't make his daughter extra ordinary with all his efforts and giving her bestest education in this world. What she is now? She can love somebody? That an ordinary person also can do, without minimum supply of education!

Don't have any answer for his grief.

Yes, i want to fall in love. I want love the love of my life. With all my heart, from the core of my heart. I want to shout his name in this air. Please don't stop me. Give me the wings of love. Let me live my this dreams; this lovely dream of love. Giving some one everything without asking anything (unexpected gifts are always welcome :-).. Like other girls m also an annoying and nagging girlfreind! Don't dare to think the love of my life will be a luckey person :-P). I know i will be the winner here. Because i will not have the fear of losing anything. As here the pleasure will be then, when i will completely lose myself to him.. I want to get lost somewhere in this world of love. Let me live my dream atleast this time, i promise i will not nag! I will not complain any more. My life will be beautifull ever after...

This time i have dared to dream to be a great Lover (I want to be an example in 'Lover's World' :-P. Don't laugh! I'm serious!)

Happy Valentine Day Father, as you are the first love of my life. You are my Hero. As always.

PS: Happy V'day to "You" too. Don't feel bad, as you are the 2nd love of my life, my "supporting hero" ;-)

Alice in Wonderland

“What are you reading?”                                         

“A blog…”
“By?”
“hmm donno! Y?”
“I thought u are doing something meaning full!”
I felt some how inferior! I minimized the blog window. I was guilty conscious.
“Y u asked whom blog m I reading? Is it so important?”
“Ya! At least you should not waste your time reading some bullshit written by some unknown!”
“But it was a nice article!..”
“Ok then, go ahead!”
I noticed my colleague is now reluctant to me. She opened the explorer and browsed some online shopping site!
The logical part of my mind shouted, “how dare she stopped you reading that article? It was far better than what she is browsing right now! Go ahead!!”
While my overly conscious mind was telling, “stopped that now. Finish your work and finish the day early.”

I copied the link to my favorites and proceed with my work.


I always enjoy reading (Ahem Ahem! Correction here! If at all somehow all these reading stuffs are forced or routine or rule or compulsory, then I would better doze off!). I love novels, fictions, articles, autobiography everything that is interesting and written in simple understandable English (m poor in “hi-fi” English!). I used to read ‘self help’ kind of books also but now I find them boring! I can’t even dare to read Shiv Khera’s books (apology to his followers).
Good write-ups always have inspired me to write some of my own feelings! I always respect writers, not because of the fact they write but because they live in a wonderful world of “words”! I find this world amazing and fascinating. Its just ‘wow’ to express one’s feelings, thoughts and experiences through words.
I personally wanted to live in that world. I used to find it quite and melodious at same time. Words never leave you alone. And they never criticize you back!

My father always used to advice me to maintain a dairy. I did. But as I said if it is kind of routine or rule then I give up very quickly! Father used to remind me every night, “have u wrote dairy?” For the first few months the answer was “Yes” then followed by “I will” then to “ohh I forgot!”
This used to bore me like hell! I stopped maintaining dairy. Every year my father used to gift me one mini dairy and every year I used to think ‘yes this year I will never let you down, dairy! I will fill you up!’
That year never came.
Then my father stopped gifting me mini dairies. I was happy.
My birthday used to happen during school’s summer vacations and I used to demand books as a gift (ohh don’t feel like that it’s a making of a “Great Writter”! personally I was too lazy to play so that I can ask for some new games and more over I didn’t even know until my degree college that I can have my own chosen cloths collection beyond my mother’s choices for me! you can think I was stupid or dumb kind of! Many of my friends will agree with me that till now I m one!)
In one of those birthdays only I got 11 books as gifts. Ohh I was just super excited! I planned my whole summer vacation with those books. I can spend the rainy days of July reading those books. Ahh, such a joy!
In that bunch of books only I found out one book “Anne Frank’s Dairy”. I completed the book within 2 nights! So exciting story and so touchy! I wished I too had had a same Diary like Anne.

In the next New Year I bought one dairy. This time bigger one and with the hope that I will also be like Anne, my diary will be famous like hers (funny?? But I was serious at that time. But now it’s a joke for me too )! I wrote everything in that diary. Starting from my day to my experiences to my feelings.. Ohh each and everything! If someday I skipped also doesn’t matter; something and all I used to scribe at least!
I was on the way of being 2nd ‘Anne’, when one day I found my brother peeping into my dairy pages. I used to hide that dairy from public. I snatched the dairy from him!

“what are you doing with my dairy?”
“you wrote a love poem!”
“So?!”
“are u in love??!! I will tell mother! U are not studying and writing all this!”
I was already feeling hot out of anger and embarrassment! I think my ears turned red! I slapped him (ohh ya! I used to hit my younger brother a lot  at that time I used to rule him because I was physically stronger than him. Now I don’t even dare to hit him! I have realized what will be the after effects of his equal and opposite reactions)
“dare you tell all this to mom!”
as usual he started crying and then mom came and solved the issue but thank to God, my Love Poem was not the point of discussion. Phew!!

I didn’t stop writing diary until the day when my father asked me, “I heard you have started writing love poems?”
I felt the hotness of my ears! It must had become red!
I was quit, as if I was not listening to him.
“Stop writing all this. You should study hard! Board exams are coming.”
I just nodded my head and left the place. I found my diary lying on my study table. That was not the place where I used to hide my diary. I knew, my dairy was an open book for my family members now. That was the first time ever I felt hurt because other people were criticizing my feelings (let it be my parents!)! Those pages of my dairy were containing the most innocent and true feelings of my teenage. I was sad and hurt. I promised I will never write anything and even if I would write then I will never ever show it to others. I burnt my dairy and never buy a next one. I was a silent kid and now I became a private teen girl. I used to read book after that also sometimes I used to scribe something and used to hide those with my schoolbooks . Ya making of that “Anne Frank” stopped then and there only . Now I never write dairies and al. It’s dangerous. I have never let anyone to let me know through the pages of my dairy(exceptions r still there ;) ); it always carry the wrong impression.

I stopped writing but I didn’t stop reading. It’s a nice exercise for my mind atleast. I realized this thing when I was too busy with my engineering studies for almost 5 years. After those 5yrs when I bought a new book of renowned writer Chetan Bhagat, I felt refreshed once again. Now I hardly get time to read books but I do buy them, in a hope that one day I will finish all those and will feel relaxed all again..

One day in the yr 2007, Google introduced me with his new friend Bloger! Ohh that was a pretty nice experience all over. I started my Blog after that. That was a pretty nice safe place for me, I felt! No peeping at all! And even if some one does I rarely bother! Atleast no one will comment me, “y are u bloging late nate! U have office 2mrw!writting love poems, huh??!” (Father, I love u anyways! As you know I am sensitive! And Bro, I hate you always! )
The first blog I read was of my elder brother’s. Within 2 consecutive nights I completed all the posts of his blog (I think It must be more than 100!)
I started mine again with the thought that I will write there regularly! Again I was about to follow one routine, and again I failed to follow ma promise! My blog must be more than 3yrs old and I hardly post something!.. but ya I read all the blogs available to my ‘sphere’!!! who wrote it never bothers me, I just love the fact that they atleast write, unless me .

‘I enjoy good and healthy write-ups, it inspire me to write’, God bless to that inspiration.




“Madam, what are u writing?”
That sudden male voice from the back of my desk scared me. I minimized the blog window.
“Nothing!” followed by one fake smile, “Y?”
“no no, u writing about some story stuffs I think.”
God, my ears getting hot again.
“ohh u saw sir?” I pressed the ‘save for later’ button and closed the window.
“u write madam?”
“no!!” I was surprised y am not saying “Yes!”
“then u r copying somebody?” one superior smile followed.
“… no sir. Excuse me!”
I didn’t answer. It was hurting again. But I felt am a big time hypocrite. And surprisingly all these incidences inspired me to write again!

I will write some nonsense, I will scribe something. Words never leaves me alone, but sometimes they are very lazy to come out, or very aggressive to be noted down.
Whatever it is I will appreciate my non sense if nobody eles does!

‘Alice’ in her ‘Wonderland’ again !

Fragrance of Life

Smell or Odor…

These two words are very much familiar to us. Many times it gives us intense pleasure and sometimes fills our heart with sour feeling!! But one thing is always for sure that no one can intentionally memorise a smell! Its actually our unconscious mind and our brain which always store each and every smell which we encounter in our lifetime! We can easily understand by smelling the air around us that the gas is leaking, some delicious food is in there in the kitchen, someone has used a strong smelling perfume etc. etc…

It’s a natural phenomena that until and unless one smells a good food, some delicious you don’t really feels hungry! And after smelling that you cant stop your appetite!!

Smells always reminds us about some good, something tasty and something beautiful!

These smells or odors always carry some memories and some events with it. I wanted to discuss that only in this post. All these above part are nothing but the introduction…

When I was in class I, my papa bought me one study table. It was the biggest and the most precious gift at that time for me! As a kid I used to study a lot; and after the arrival of that study table, I became a “Book Worm”!! Seriously, within a very short time that table became my whole world! That feeling of sitting on the chair and having a big, brilliant table in front of myself with various types of books on it, filled my heart with pride and surprise that, “How much I have grown up!!!”

My mom used to give me milk during my studies. I hate milk like anything! But she knew, if am studing that too with the study table, then there will be no objections and complains about the milk! I’ll drink it delightfully!!

That table had two drawers. I used to store my color pencils there. Whenever I used to open the drawer a “Woody” smell comes out of it! I loved that smell a lot… days have passed, I have grown up and ma requirements also! That study table also grew older, without increasing the size! So that sweet smelling small study table was replaced by another bigger one…

My mom now uses that table in her kitchen! One of the drawers have broken! The other one we rarely open! That old table has lost its color, its strength!... but one thing is still same…. Today also whenever I open the drawer that “Woody” smell comes out of it! And that smell take me around 18-19 yrs back, within a fraction of seconds!... I can smell my childhood!! It has a beautifull “Woody” smell!!

It’s a feeling, so good, nice and nostalgic!

…Not just the nonliving things, one particular individual also deliver some good smell always! Am not talking about using special scents or perfumes. Like my mom, my dad, my granny always smells like “Mom” “Dad” and “Grandma”!!! it’s a fact!

From my childhood, I used to sleep with ma grandma, whenever I went to my “Mama Ghar”. Grandma’s bed always smells like “Grandma”!... seriously! Recently my granny came to our home for her treatment. In those days also I slept with her. When she went back to mama ghar, I discovered that granny left her “Grandma” smell in that bed also, which was used by my mom before grandma, and previously it smells like “Mom”!!!... I love “Grandma” smell a lot!

When I was in hostel during my Engg, my mom gave me her shawl. During winters I cant imagine my mom without that shawl. But on that special winter of my first year, she gave it to me! Whenever I used it, I used to miss my mom! That shawl carried that “Mom” smell! I used to feel home sick!! Sometimes the conditions were so bad that I used to cry out of home sickness!!

I left using that shawl afterwards! But whenever I felt low, depressed, I used to sleep with that! It gave me strength and warm in its special way!

I told mom about all these feelings; but she was like its natural, extremely natural!... may be! But I fell some uniqueness within it!...

… the feelings of the first love is very special to everyone! No one on this planet can ignore this fact!... it’s a feelings which can make you feel peace in your most disturbed state of mind also!... that serenity is awesome!!..

I also experienced this feelings almost seven yrs back! But unfortunately, my this feelings is related with a very pungent smell!!.. I had never realized it till last yr. Around in November last yr, I went to a friend’s home. Her place was near our old coaching centre. It is a nostalgic place for me for so many reasons! But the main was that I met him first here itself!

Whatever that incidence is now 7-8 yrs old. Things have changed a lot now…

When I was returning from my friend’s home and waiting for the bus, a strong pungent smell hit ma nose! Instantly I felt like crying! I was bit depressed for a moment! As if m missing something!

“Why am feeling like this??!!” that smell was still in the air! Suddenly that closed doors of my past opened up… I realize that this was the same spot where I used to wait for bus after my coaching. And that special person also used to come to that place, sometimes for the bus and sometimes for other purpose! Those anxious days of my life also had this smell! Am writing anxious, but it was a beautiful anxiety!!

Last yr only that smell made me curious! Where from this smell is coming??!! I discovered a tree where new flowers were blooming! And that new flowers delivering that scent(!!?). it was not a known plant for me! I asked my dad also about it but he was also unaware of the name…

While my mom blocks her nose whenever she encounter this smell of the tree, I always fill my lungs with that scent, that air, so that I can feel that innocent and special feelings once again….

I always wonder, whether I have some smell or scent??? Do I smell like something???

My mom answers, “No!” my dad said, “You use a strong deo!” … these are not my type of answers!

I got my answer few days back!

My uncle has got his transfer to Silsar last month. Uncle, aunty and my sweet little cute cousin brother came for dinner before leaving to that place.... my mom always gives the old cloths of my brother to my cousin brothers. That day my little cousin was “lucky person” to get those cloths!..( I have named my cousin bro as Munu and he calls me Shunu! We are very much attached to each other, though he’s 18yrs younger than me!!)

Munu was excited like anything! For him those were his new cloths! He was also helping mom to find out the suitable one for him!!

Suddenly he got stuck at one of my old frocks!.. “ I want this!” munu was sure about his decision! Mom was trying to convince him that it was not for boys it was for gilrs! But he was continuously crying for that frock!

“Ok,Ok! Ask shunu whether she’ll give it to u or not?!” mom knows that am very much possessive about my things. So she gave that solution to him!

Munu came to me with that frock in his hands! “will you give it to me!” my instant answer was NO!! “its not for you boys, its for girls!”

He was curious, a bit tensed! “I’m not going to wear this!!...!”

“then??!” I was bit surprised! After a pause he asked me, “will you come to meet me regularly when I’ll go to silsar??”

I took him on my lap and replied, “no love that will not be possible for me to come there! Its far away from Guwahati!.. I’ll call u regularly!...!”

Munu was happy instantly and smiled! He said, “ Ok then. Give this frock to me! It smells like YOU!... I’ll not miss you anymore there!!...!”

A storm of emotions hit me! Immediately I felt like crying out of surprise! That 7 yrs old cutiepie has found me in my frock!! For him it was smelling like ME!!

I gave that frock to him. My mom was bit surprised but I wasn’t! I know the reason why am giving this to Munu! He was happy like anything!.. he gave me his drawing book so that I wont miss him! But it smells like color more than Munu!!.. still that drawing book always remind me about my cutiepie brother Munu!

That day I got my answer! I also carry some scent which make me different from others!....

…. Every person in this world has some scent, some good and some beautifull within him!

Smell it, treasure it and cherish those moments….

Some time spent with U...

eti somyo hondhiya moi koisilu teuk.bhal paun tumak ontor bhori....

haahisil teu muloi saai...

kisumaan abhimaan thup khaisil mur monor majot!

kio? moi teuk bhal pabo nuwaru?

kio nuwaru?

teur hei bihalota

teur hei udarota

kio mur hobo nuare?

teur hei uddatto kontho t ji ek gobhir aaswas..

mur kio hobo nuware??

hei nila sagor khonok moi bhal pau!

pran bhori..

 teu kio mur hobo nuware?

moi j dub jabo khuju hei bihal nila-t...

teu j muk koi...

moi tumak aakuwali lobo nuwaru...

aakontho onubhob koribo bisaru

 teur nila joldhara...

                                                                          

teu muk koi ...

priya tumi mur nohoba...

aakash khonolooi mur eersha

mur priyotom-k tumi hei digontot kio suma jasiba???!!!

Kisumaan abhimaan-e aakou muk khede...

Sagar-e muk kole..

Etibaar mathu aakashe torar hei buta bosa sador khon pindhi ohar homoyot,

Tumi u aahiba…Tumak bhal pua ki kom..

Goisilu.. tuer kahot bohi hinisilu teur

monor kotha…

Aakash khon sakhi aasil..

Teur jolorashiye mur podotol  suisil…

Teu koisil hei paaror boga balisor aaru teur prem kahini!

Eti ontohin jatra..

Kunudin ek hobo nuwariu ek hoi ruwar madokota…

Bujisilu teur bihalotak hei dina,

Usoror pora!

Ontor bhori nomon korisilu hei udarota-k…

Teu aakou koisil…

He priya tumi aahiba

Aakou ketiyaba nishar aakash khonor hoite…

Kothapatim aami bure…Moi je hosakoyei bor olohoriya!

huni goisilu hokolubur... 

kotha disilu teuk

he gobhirota tumak okolhoriya hobo nidiu!

uttorot teu mur aasolkhon tiyaisil........

hopunbur henu enedorei titi thake eti ontohin aashar opekhat!

  

The Difference

From my childhood some stupid thoughts always used to disturb me like hell! I was sensitive n silent child. So those questions raised  inside me n died off there itself, without any kind of answers....

From the day i heard about "suicide", the actual facts about it, it somehow became one fascinating thing for me! It may sound so funny or so depressing but i was always curious to know what is it exactly!? Why does people think of killing themselves?! God, its so   impractical!..

For so many years i was followed by those thoughts! It was obvious that somehow i was also trapped into those thoughts...
whenever i faced some failure, the thought of suicide follow me. Whenever i stand alone doing some really disgusting things, again this suicide thought follows me! But its really not like that i want to do that extreme thing! No!!! A BIG NO!!!... Whenever i think of suicide n start planning how to do that, in that whole process i always able to start thinking positively! Coz, what i feel somewhere down there inside my little heart i know i cant leave this world so easily! :) Or it will not be that easy for me to do that!! Seriously! In that whole process i start feeling the never feeling  love for ma family ma freinds everyone!Even if due to some person i was thinking about suicide, then its not a strange part if i start feeling soft for him/her too!!! Thats why, i never worry about ma suicide thoughts!

And right now after growing up as a lady (Full Fledged!!), i have controls on ma thought!

But no one can change that easily!

That day i was feeling very low! Those stupid stupid thoughts was about to be heavy on me! I connected ma net and star Googling! Some thoughts about life, inspiring n beautiful! I searched some pics... Suddenly ma eyes got stuck on dis pic which m publishing today on ma article!.. I started thinking about this person. Alone on the top of a dangerous mountain or hill, whatever it is... He is walking towards the edge! What he is trying to do? My suicide porn mind answered, "Suicide! ya he's going to die now!" I started thinking, God if some one fall down from that height then its impossible to survive anyhow!!... I was excited!...Thrilled!
I opened the link to save the pic. In ma download folder i searched the pic! Ya there it is! but was shocked! Y you know? That pic was named as "Leadership"!!
It was big slap on the face of  ma "suicidal" thinking mind!!!......

Ohh God! it was so inspirational! I really really loved that pic!...

All those stupid thought swiped off by the single glimpse of this picture!...
WOW... Ya got the answer...
I can lead a very happy life if i want to see the happy part of it!...
All i can do is stay happy n optimistic in any circumstances....

YA I Love Ma Life!

 

Life...