Alice In Wonderland (I)

As a kid, many of us have encountered this question, "What will you be when you will grow up?" for me it was kind of 'common question'. I started attending this question, may be, long before i joined school.

This question never bothered me as my answer was ready, 'Doctor'! My father asked me to reply like this.

He really wanted me to become a Doctor. As it was his dream to become one, but couldn't because of so many things came as burden in between him and this profession, called 'Doctor'.
So naturally he passed the dream to me.
I grabbed it and started answering, "Yes i wanted to be a doctor!"

But if you ask what exactly my dreams were then you may think, "Really she is an Alice in her wonderland!"
As a kid i used to have so many dreams.
I was a bollywood freak! I am in love with Aamir Khan from the age of five i think. After watching "Qayamat se Qayamat tak", i almost started acting like a 'Heroin'. After that, movies like "Sajan" and "Dil" worked as 'Ghee' in that 'Aag'. I remember that song from the movie 'Dil', 'o piya piya, kyu bhula dia', that song used to be the most tragic song for me. At that time i used to study in KG or Nursery i think and my brother was a new born. In front of my school there used to be a small Pan Shop. That panwala everyday used to play this song while i returned from the school to home. That song used to remind me of my small baby brother. I used to feel some kind of pain in my tiny heart remembering my bro!
Although this song has nothing to do with brother-sister relationship, but then also i used to miss my brother.
I used to sing, act, cry like an actress. With passing of time i was in love with almost all 'Heros' of Bollywood(Except Jacky Shroff! I don't know why but i used to hate him! Total yucks for me! I hate boys with mustaches. But i was in love with Anil Kapoor although he has mustaches. But a total NO for Jackey!)

So, in my dream world, i was almost a 'Heroin'. I wanted to become an actress.

When i was in class 1 or 2, i got admitted to a nearby music school. I inherited a comparetively OK voice from my father. My father still sings beautifully all the old songs of Bhupen Hazarika.
I loved my music school uptill i didn't have any exam related to it. But sad thing was, music schools too had exams and that too with long, extremely long theories! Ewwwww. I hate music school!

But i love to sing. I learnt music till 10th standard(not for long 10yrs! Including breaks it must be maximum 5yrs.)
In those musical yrs, i dreamt of becoming a singer.

Along with the music school, my teacher used to run one dance school also. In the absence of my music teacher i used to tie those 'Ghungru's and tried to dance a bit with dance students. But sadly enough, i have two left feet! Till now, I just can wish that i could dance! I'm a 'lay-man' in dancing.
I didn't learn dance. Even today also i feel if i would have learnt dancing i could have been a famous dancer (but i heard like music schools dancing schools also has exams and i hate routine more over! ;) ).
This was also one of my dreams.

And i inherited one more thing from my father. I used to get good marks in drwaing subject. I didn't learn drawing, i just used to follow my father's tips. My teachers and few well wishers used to praise me,"Wow! that's a nice piece dear!" and my mind used to fly somewhere with a dream that someday i will be a famous painter!

And how can i forget that once i wanted to become a writer also! And the list goen longer nad longer....
All my "Dreams" used to chase me everywhere. I lived them secretly. In my wonderland.

I was growing up, with all these dreams in my wonderland and one constant dream in real life. "I will become a Doctor". I sweared to myself because i wanted to see my father happy. He is a nice person, he deosn't deserve to be sad because of me! I tried and tried and tried.. And ended up this "Trying journey", becoming an Engineer. I realy don't know and have never asked my father that does he realy proud of me? I think he will reply positively. Because he loves me. And i love him too.

People says, one should follow their dreams, should do that only for what they feel the passion. I had lots of dreams. I never followed them (but they did :-) ), beause of the fact that they were not "realistic" enough to be followed. Those all are best in some one's wonderland. I was preparing myself to face the real world. The real tough world where every day we have to fight one battle sometimes witness one. For that i was well prepared and well equipped! I never told my dreams (may be all were meaningless!) to anyone (Nobody have asked me till now and i may get confused if today they asks!). I lived other's dreams and tried to stand as winner. Sometimes i won and many a times i was a loser.

Today, i'm nowhere. I tried something else and ended up doing something else. In the process of becoming "All-rounder", i realy have become all round, which you can say is equivalent to a sphere or somewhat like a zero! No no, don't think am a passimist. Sometimes i do but not always.

Somebody adviced me that day, "Don't nag all the time! Your life is what you wanted it to be. And more over you don't have any passion! Routine life makes you bore and blah blah blah.. "

I realy wondered at that momnet. Is it true i don't have passion for anything?

I thought and i realised that in this world, if i can do something passionately, then it will be nothing except Love. I can love passionately with all my heart and soul.

If my father got to know this then he may feel sad, because he couldn't make his daughter extra ordinary with all his efforts and giving her bestest education in this world. What she is now? She can love somebody? That an ordinary person also can do, without minimum supply of education!

Don't have any answer for his grief.

Yes, i want to fall in love. I want love the love of my life. With all my heart, from the core of my heart. I want to shout his name in this air. Please don't stop me. Give me the wings of love. Let me live my this dreams; this lovely dream of love. Giving some one everything without asking anything (unexpected gifts are always welcome :-).. Like other girls m also an annoying and nagging girlfreind! Don't dare to think the love of my life will be a luckey person :-P). I know i will be the winner here. Because i will not have the fear of losing anything. As here the pleasure will be then, when i will completely lose myself to him.. I want to get lost somewhere in this world of love. Let me live my dream atleast this time, i promise i will not nag! I will not complain any more. My life will be beautifull ever after...

This time i have dared to dream to be a great Lover (I want to be an example in 'Lover's World' :-P. Don't laugh! I'm serious!)

Happy Valentine Day Father, as you are the first love of my life. You are my Hero. As always.

PS: Happy V'day to "You" too. Don't feel bad, as you are the 2nd love of my life, my "supporting hero" ;-)