Alice In Wonderland (I)

As a kid, many of us have encountered this question, "What will you be when you will grow up?" for me it was kind of 'common question'. I started attending this question, may be, long before i joined school.

This question never bothered me as my answer was ready, 'Doctor'! My father asked me to reply like this.

He really wanted me to become a Doctor. As it was his dream to become one, but couldn't because of so many things came as burden in between him and this profession, called 'Doctor'.
So naturally he passed the dream to me.
I grabbed it and started answering, "Yes i wanted to be a doctor!"

But if you ask what exactly my dreams were then you may think, "Really she is an Alice in her wonderland!"
As a kid i used to have so many dreams.
I was a bollywood freak! I am in love with Aamir Khan from the age of five i think. After watching "Qayamat se Qayamat tak", i almost started acting like a 'Heroin'. After that, movies like "Sajan" and "Dil" worked as 'Ghee' in that 'Aag'. I remember that song from the movie 'Dil', 'o piya piya, kyu bhula dia', that song used to be the most tragic song for me. At that time i used to study in KG or Nursery i think and my brother was a new born. In front of my school there used to be a small Pan Shop. That panwala everyday used to play this song while i returned from the school to home. That song used to remind me of my small baby brother. I used to feel some kind of pain in my tiny heart remembering my bro!
Although this song has nothing to do with brother-sister relationship, but then also i used to miss my brother.
I used to sing, act, cry like an actress. With passing of time i was in love with almost all 'Heros' of Bollywood(Except Jacky Shroff! I don't know why but i used to hate him! Total yucks for me! I hate boys with mustaches. But i was in love with Anil Kapoor although he has mustaches. But a total NO for Jackey!)

So, in my dream world, i was almost a 'Heroin'. I wanted to become an actress.

When i was in class 1 or 2, i got admitted to a nearby music school. I inherited a comparetively OK voice from my father. My father still sings beautifully all the old songs of Bhupen Hazarika.
I loved my music school uptill i didn't have any exam related to it. But sad thing was, music schools too had exams and that too with long, extremely long theories! Ewwwww. I hate music school!

But i love to sing. I learnt music till 10th standard(not for long 10yrs! Including breaks it must be maximum 5yrs.)
In those musical yrs, i dreamt of becoming a singer.

Along with the music school, my teacher used to run one dance school also. In the absence of my music teacher i used to tie those 'Ghungru's and tried to dance a bit with dance students. But sadly enough, i have two left feet! Till now, I just can wish that i could dance! I'm a 'lay-man' in dancing.
I didn't learn dance. Even today also i feel if i would have learnt dancing i could have been a famous dancer (but i heard like music schools dancing schools also has exams and i hate routine more over! ;) ).
This was also one of my dreams.

And i inherited one more thing from my father. I used to get good marks in drwaing subject. I didn't learn drawing, i just used to follow my father's tips. My teachers and few well wishers used to praise me,"Wow! that's a nice piece dear!" and my mind used to fly somewhere with a dream that someday i will be a famous painter!

And how can i forget that once i wanted to become a writer also! And the list goen longer nad longer....
All my "Dreams" used to chase me everywhere. I lived them secretly. In my wonderland.

I was growing up, with all these dreams in my wonderland and one constant dream in real life. "I will become a Doctor". I sweared to myself because i wanted to see my father happy. He is a nice person, he deosn't deserve to be sad because of me! I tried and tried and tried.. And ended up this "Trying journey", becoming an Engineer. I realy don't know and have never asked my father that does he realy proud of me? I think he will reply positively. Because he loves me. And i love him too.

People says, one should follow their dreams, should do that only for what they feel the passion. I had lots of dreams. I never followed them (but they did :-) ), beause of the fact that they were not "realistic" enough to be followed. Those all are best in some one's wonderland. I was preparing myself to face the real world. The real tough world where every day we have to fight one battle sometimes witness one. For that i was well prepared and well equipped! I never told my dreams (may be all were meaningless!) to anyone (Nobody have asked me till now and i may get confused if today they asks!). I lived other's dreams and tried to stand as winner. Sometimes i won and many a times i was a loser.

Today, i'm nowhere. I tried something else and ended up doing something else. In the process of becoming "All-rounder", i realy have become all round, which you can say is equivalent to a sphere or somewhat like a zero! No no, don't think am a passimist. Sometimes i do but not always.

Somebody adviced me that day, "Don't nag all the time! Your life is what you wanted it to be. And more over you don't have any passion! Routine life makes you bore and blah blah blah.. "

I realy wondered at that momnet. Is it true i don't have passion for anything?

I thought and i realised that in this world, if i can do something passionately, then it will be nothing except Love. I can love passionately with all my heart and soul.

If my father got to know this then he may feel sad, because he couldn't make his daughter extra ordinary with all his efforts and giving her bestest education in this world. What she is now? She can love somebody? That an ordinary person also can do, without minimum supply of education!

Don't have any answer for his grief.

Yes, i want to fall in love. I want love the love of my life. With all my heart, from the core of my heart. I want to shout his name in this air. Please don't stop me. Give me the wings of love. Let me live my this dreams; this lovely dream of love. Giving some one everything without asking anything (unexpected gifts are always welcome :-).. Like other girls m also an annoying and nagging girlfreind! Don't dare to think the love of my life will be a luckey person :-P). I know i will be the winner here. Because i will not have the fear of losing anything. As here the pleasure will be then, when i will completely lose myself to him.. I want to get lost somewhere in this world of love. Let me live my dream atleast this time, i promise i will not nag! I will not complain any more. My life will be beautifull ever after...

This time i have dared to dream to be a great Lover (I want to be an example in 'Lover's World' :-P. Don't laugh! I'm serious!)

Happy Valentine Day Father, as you are the first love of my life. You are my Hero. As always.

PS: Happy V'day to "You" too. Don't feel bad, as you are the 2nd love of my life, my "supporting hero" ;-)

Alice in Wonderland

“What are you reading?”                                         

“A blog…”
“By?”
“hmm donno! Y?”
“I thought u are doing something meaning full!”
I felt some how inferior! I minimized the blog window. I was guilty conscious.
“Y u asked whom blog m I reading? Is it so important?”
“Ya! At least you should not waste your time reading some bullshit written by some unknown!”
“But it was a nice article!..”
“Ok then, go ahead!”
I noticed my colleague is now reluctant to me. She opened the explorer and browsed some online shopping site!
The logical part of my mind shouted, “how dare she stopped you reading that article? It was far better than what she is browsing right now! Go ahead!!”
While my overly conscious mind was telling, “stopped that now. Finish your work and finish the day early.”

I copied the link to my favorites and proceed with my work.


I always enjoy reading (Ahem Ahem! Correction here! If at all somehow all these reading stuffs are forced or routine or rule or compulsory, then I would better doze off!). I love novels, fictions, articles, autobiography everything that is interesting and written in simple understandable English (m poor in “hi-fi” English!). I used to read ‘self help’ kind of books also but now I find them boring! I can’t even dare to read Shiv Khera’s books (apology to his followers).
Good write-ups always have inspired me to write some of my own feelings! I always respect writers, not because of the fact they write but because they live in a wonderful world of “words”! I find this world amazing and fascinating. Its just ‘wow’ to express one’s feelings, thoughts and experiences through words.
I personally wanted to live in that world. I used to find it quite and melodious at same time. Words never leave you alone. And they never criticize you back!

My father always used to advice me to maintain a dairy. I did. But as I said if it is kind of routine or rule then I give up very quickly! Father used to remind me every night, “have u wrote dairy?” For the first few months the answer was “Yes” then followed by “I will” then to “ohh I forgot!”
This used to bore me like hell! I stopped maintaining dairy. Every year my father used to gift me one mini dairy and every year I used to think ‘yes this year I will never let you down, dairy! I will fill you up!’
That year never came.
Then my father stopped gifting me mini dairies. I was happy.
My birthday used to happen during school’s summer vacations and I used to demand books as a gift (ohh don’t feel like that it’s a making of a “Great Writter”! personally I was too lazy to play so that I can ask for some new games and more over I didn’t even know until my degree college that I can have my own chosen cloths collection beyond my mother’s choices for me! you can think I was stupid or dumb kind of! Many of my friends will agree with me that till now I m one!)
In one of those birthdays only I got 11 books as gifts. Ohh I was just super excited! I planned my whole summer vacation with those books. I can spend the rainy days of July reading those books. Ahh, such a joy!
In that bunch of books only I found out one book “Anne Frank’s Dairy”. I completed the book within 2 nights! So exciting story and so touchy! I wished I too had had a same Diary like Anne.

In the next New Year I bought one dairy. This time bigger one and with the hope that I will also be like Anne, my diary will be famous like hers (funny?? But I was serious at that time. But now it’s a joke for me too )! I wrote everything in that diary. Starting from my day to my experiences to my feelings.. Ohh each and everything! If someday I skipped also doesn’t matter; something and all I used to scribe at least!
I was on the way of being 2nd ‘Anne’, when one day I found my brother peeping into my dairy pages. I used to hide that dairy from public. I snatched the dairy from him!

“what are you doing with my dairy?”
“you wrote a love poem!”
“So?!”
“are u in love??!! I will tell mother! U are not studying and writing all this!”
I was already feeling hot out of anger and embarrassment! I think my ears turned red! I slapped him (ohh ya! I used to hit my younger brother a lot  at that time I used to rule him because I was physically stronger than him. Now I don’t even dare to hit him! I have realized what will be the after effects of his equal and opposite reactions)
“dare you tell all this to mom!”
as usual he started crying and then mom came and solved the issue but thank to God, my Love Poem was not the point of discussion. Phew!!

I didn’t stop writing diary until the day when my father asked me, “I heard you have started writing love poems?”
I felt the hotness of my ears! It must had become red!
I was quit, as if I was not listening to him.
“Stop writing all this. You should study hard! Board exams are coming.”
I just nodded my head and left the place. I found my diary lying on my study table. That was not the place where I used to hide my diary. I knew, my dairy was an open book for my family members now. That was the first time ever I felt hurt because other people were criticizing my feelings (let it be my parents!)! Those pages of my dairy were containing the most innocent and true feelings of my teenage. I was sad and hurt. I promised I will never write anything and even if I would write then I will never ever show it to others. I burnt my dairy and never buy a next one. I was a silent kid and now I became a private teen girl. I used to read book after that also sometimes I used to scribe something and used to hide those with my schoolbooks . Ya making of that “Anne Frank” stopped then and there only . Now I never write dairies and al. It’s dangerous. I have never let anyone to let me know through the pages of my dairy(exceptions r still there ;) ); it always carry the wrong impression.

I stopped writing but I didn’t stop reading. It’s a nice exercise for my mind atleast. I realized this thing when I was too busy with my engineering studies for almost 5 years. After those 5yrs when I bought a new book of renowned writer Chetan Bhagat, I felt refreshed once again. Now I hardly get time to read books but I do buy them, in a hope that one day I will finish all those and will feel relaxed all again..

One day in the yr 2007, Google introduced me with his new friend Bloger! Ohh that was a pretty nice experience all over. I started my Blog after that. That was a pretty nice safe place for me, I felt! No peeping at all! And even if some one does I rarely bother! Atleast no one will comment me, “y are u bloging late nate! U have office 2mrw!writting love poems, huh??!” (Father, I love u anyways! As you know I am sensitive! And Bro, I hate you always! )
The first blog I read was of my elder brother’s. Within 2 consecutive nights I completed all the posts of his blog (I think It must be more than 100!)
I started mine again with the thought that I will write there regularly! Again I was about to follow one routine, and again I failed to follow ma promise! My blog must be more than 3yrs old and I hardly post something!.. but ya I read all the blogs available to my ‘sphere’!!! who wrote it never bothers me, I just love the fact that they atleast write, unless me .

‘I enjoy good and healthy write-ups, it inspire me to write’, God bless to that inspiration.




“Madam, what are u writing?”
That sudden male voice from the back of my desk scared me. I minimized the blog window.
“Nothing!” followed by one fake smile, “Y?”
“no no, u writing about some story stuffs I think.”
God, my ears getting hot again.
“ohh u saw sir?” I pressed the ‘save for later’ button and closed the window.
“u write madam?”
“no!!” I was surprised y am not saying “Yes!”
“then u r copying somebody?” one superior smile followed.
“… no sir. Excuse me!”
I didn’t answer. It was hurting again. But I felt am a big time hypocrite. And surprisingly all these incidences inspired me to write again!

I will write some nonsense, I will scribe something. Words never leaves me alone, but sometimes they are very lazy to come out, or very aggressive to be noted down.
Whatever it is I will appreciate my non sense if nobody eles does!

‘Alice’ in her ‘Wonderland’ again !